


Conflicted

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 16:52:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10948716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Unspoken thoughts from various scenes in the episode 'Chinese Walls'





	Conflicted

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended
> 
> Lines are taken from the DVD subtitles (but not verbatim as they were so badly done and had chunks of dialogue missing... I've filled in the blanks!) Script for this episode was written by Ed Whitmore
> 
> So, this week I watched 'Chinese Walls' three times... and on each occasion I found myself screaming at the television (sorry neighbours!) because of Tommy and his behaviour... this is the result

“I thought you were on leave today Sir.”

“I was. I am. Why? What do you do on your days off?”

I don’t know why you are acting surprised to see me Barbara. Even though we might never say the words out loud, you know full well that wherever you are is exactly where I need to be. I don’t feel balanced unless I am with you, you ground me, you keep me sane. When being with you makes me feel normal, why would I want to be anywhere else?

~*~

Winston has been trying to tell me something for the last couple of minutes. He’s not being rude, but I can tell he is getting exasperated that I won’t let him speak. Finally, he manages to share what is on his mind. “Helen’s in your office.”

“What? Damn. I completely forgot. Thank you.”

This is not going to go well, she is jealous enough of Barbara as it is. I hurry back to my office and go inside. Helen is standing by my desk and she doesn’t look pleased.

“Helen.”

“Am I going mad or was I supposed to pick you up from your place an hour ago?”

“I am so sorry.”

“Leave cancelled?”

“Young girl murdered in Hyde Park last night, so, yes, leave cancelled.” I am surprised how easily the lie falls from my lips.

“Look it never would have crossed my mind to ask you to my stupid lecture.”

There she is, Helen's inner petulant teenager.

“I know, but I offered.”

“Yes, and I was touched. And now I feel a tad silly.”

“Well you shouldn’t feel silly.”

Just as I think I have managed to resolve the situation, just as I am about to kiss her, a knock on the door interrupts us. The door opens and Barbara appears. Suddenly I feel guilty, as if I have been caught doing something I shouldn’t. As if I have been caught cheating.

“Hi Barbara.”

“Hey.”

Well this isn’t at all awkward. I need to get rid of Helen so I can focus on work. At least that’s what I tell myself. I turn to Barbara, “two minutes.”

She won’t be put off. “No, it is important. We’ve got a result on Emily’s bank statement. For the last four months she’s been working for a media company in Dalston.”

Just like that, I am back in work mode.

“Dalston? It’s hardly the white-hot centre of the media world, is it?”

“Yeah well, I’ve got a phone number but I thought you’d prefer a surprise visit.”

It is so easy with Barbara, she knows exactly how I think, what I would do. We might fight but our relationship isn’t a struggle, not like it is with Helen. That thought suddenly reminds me that Barbara and I are not alone.

“Good idea. Two minutes.”

Barbara nods and mouths yeah. Again, she understands. She glances at Helen as she leaves the office. As the door closes the awkwardness lingers.

“She doesn’t think it’s a good idea, us being friends again.” 

Oh great, just what I need, the petulant teenager and her jealousy again. Whatever I say she will overanalyse, but I know I need to say something.

“I doubt she thinks about us very much at all.”

As the words leave my mouth my heart sinks. It matters to me what Barbara thinks, in fact it matters to me more than anyone else’s opinion. What if Helen and I being together is hurting Barbara? I make a mental note to speak to her later.

“Well, if I don’t leave now I’m going to miss my own lecture.”

Helen sounds irritated. I feel as if I am trying to juggle a wife and a mistress. 

“Well why don’t we do something later?”

“Busy. The Vice Chancellor has invited me round for drinks.”

“Has he, indeed? And is this a courtesy he extends to all new members of staff?”

“I have absolutely no idea.”

“Is he married?”

“Jealous?”

It crosses my mind that Helen is playing me, trying to get a reaction. Am I jealous, or am I playing too?

~*~

I want to know how Barbara feels about Helen and I, and if I want to know then I need to ask her. The trouble is, if the answer isn’t what I want to hear I won’t know what to do about it.

“Helen and I…” God, I hope I don’t look as awkward as I feel. Awkward seems to be my default setting lately.

“Sir?” Barbara sounds concerned, and at the same time puzzled. I decide to push on with my questioning.

“Staying friends. What do you think about it? Really.”

“I don’t think about it.”

“Good. That’s what I said.” The relief I feel is overwhelming, I haven't upset my best friend.

“I mean, apart from the fact that you’re obviously not just friends.”

Ouch! 

~*~

Helen hasn’t returned my call. Irritated, I go to my office and call her mobile.

“Hello.” I can hear laughter and wonder what on earth is going on.

“Helen. Erm, just wondering if you got my message.”

“No.”

And I thought Barbara’s comment about Helen and I not being just friends was cutting. She has nothing on Helen.

“Well, just wanted to know how it all went.”

“Oh no sorry yeah I did get your message, but I haven’t had a second but everything went fine.”

“Good. Great.

She's laughing again, and I feel as if I am intruding. “Look, sorry I’d better go. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

Helen hangs up on me. I stare at the handset. Helen has just hung up on me. I mimic her dismissive last word, “bye,” and put the phone down.

Barbara knocks on the door and then enters. “Hey.” Once again, my face must be betraying me. “Um, are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine.”

She doesn’t believe a word I am saying. “Okay, we’ve got two witnesses supporting Tanner’s alibi. He was nowhere near Hyde Park.”

~*~

“Terrible thing to say but it’s kind of admirable really.”

“What? Killing yourself at twenty-two?”

“Being so much in love with someone that you can’t see life without them.”

I don't mean Darren. I’m baring my soul here Barbara.

“Well, he never had her in the first place.”

“But he had the hope of having her… one day. Maybe.”

And now I'm talking in riddles! Why the hell can't I just come out and say that I love you?

“You need to get some sleep Sir.” 

She pats me on the back and walks away. I feel deflated. Perhaps she doesn’t know me as well as I thought.

~*~

“Tommy, what are you doing?”

While Helen banging on the driver’s window of the Bristol wakes me, I wouldn't be surprised if her tipsy shrieking woke the neighbours. I climb out of the car to greet her.

“Hi. I just wanted to make sure that you got back safely. And that you didn’t bring the Vice Chancellor with you.”

“That’s touchingly jealous and paranoid of you. Are you stalking me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I miss you too much.”

Well, if Barbara doesn’t want me.

“You saw me this morning."

“I rest my case.”

We kiss, and I force myself not to think about Barbara. This is Helen. This is my wife. This is what I want.

“Twice in a day. We’re not getting serious are we?”

“Strictly recreational.”

“I see. So if I had come back with the Vice Chancellor, you’d have been okay with that?”

“Absolutely, once I’d ripped his heart out with my teeth.”

We kiss again, but Barbara is still in the back of my mind.

“Come on then.”

I wrap myself around her and we walk to the front door, I don’t need to be asked twice.

~*~

I open my eyes and glance at the bedside clock. “Oh God.”

Helen hears me as she enters the bedroom. “Don’t worry about it Tommy. Last night was last night.”

The petulant teenager routine is getting very old, but I explain myself anyway. “I mean oh god it’s late.”

I can tell that she doesn’t believe me. “It’s fine. As you’ve counselled before, we’ll see what happens.”

As she goes to put on her watch I catch hold of her arm. “Let’s not see what happens.”

She sits down on the bed next to me. “Don’t you bloody dare say that unless you mean it.”

“I mean it.” And I do. Barbara obviously doesn't feel the way I do. I don’t do well on my own, and Mother will be happy that we are giving it another go.

“Then, promise me, if it happened again…”

I don’t want to discuss this. “Well, come on, why should it?”

“Don’t Tommy. If I… if I lost another child, or it turned out that we could never have children, promise me we won’t deal with it with trial separations and burying ourselves in work.”

Hang on a minute; who left who? How come I am having to make promises when you were the one who left and wouldn’t talk to me? The angel on my shoulder quietly whispers, 'calm down Tommy, you’ve made your decision so tell her what she wants to hear'.

“I promise.” 

“I can’t cope with another break up Tommy. Not I don’t want to, I can’t.”

It is all about her. It is all what I might do, and how that will affect her. I should tell her that this is a mistake, stop it before it is too late, but I don’t. Instead I say the words that will seal my fate.

“Neither can I.”

As we fall back onto the bed kissing, I can hear an angry voice in my head calling me a fool. It sounds suspiciously like Barbara. I chose to ignore it.

~*~

“Not exactly united in their grief are they?” Mr and Mrs Proctor remind me of Helen and I after we lost the baby; she couldn’t bear to be near me, bear for me to touch her.

“Tragedy can be a wedge.” Wise words Lafferty.

“Especially if there was a problem in the first place.”

Lafferty looks at me strangely, then makes an excuse and walks away. Perhaps he knows what happened between Helen and I, perhaps Barbara told him, although I cannot see her gossiping about me to anyone.

I continue to watch Mr and Mrs Proctor, my heart sinking. They aren’t who Helen and I were, they are who Helen and I are. Nothing has changed, nothing will. What have I done?


End file.
